How do you deal with someone who asks for a Christmas gift?

Question

I received an e-mail from my daughter in law giving me a link to a store where she has "registered" my granddaughter for Christmas gifts. I am in shock! I was always led to believe that gifts were given from the heart and voluntarily...not to be asked for. I am concerned that she is teaching her daughter that 'registering' for Christmas gifts is an acceptable thing to do. Am I wrong??????

Answer 1

That is to be treated in the same way as any other registry: as a solicitation. You may happily ignore it while maintaining full politeness.



Grubbing for gifts is tacky beyond words. Rewarding it is bad. Not rewarding it is a good lesson for her.



If your sister says something to you, you can always say "Oh, but I wouldn't dream of encouraging her to think it's acceptable to beg for gifts, I'm sure that would be detrimental to your parenting."



No, that's not true, but you can pretend it is. She will get the message.

Answer 2

This has become more and more acceptable. But that doesn't mean it still isn't rude. In etiquette, the point is to make the people around you feel comfortable. You might be concerned about what she's teaching your grand daughter, but it's not any of your business. What your DIL did may have come from any number of motives:



1- To make shopping less of a hassle to you.

2- To ensure that her daughter does not get a dangerous gift or one beyond her age level and/or capabilities.



You can always ask her about it, but make sure you frame it in a way that doesn't make her uncomfortable. DO NOT mention that you are "concerned" about what she's teaching her grandaughter. Do mention that it made you uncomfortable and that you "believe that gifts were given from the heart and voluntarily."



Do not do this in an email. It might be misunderstood. Do it on the phone or in person (not in front of the child) and do it with love and compassion.

Answer 3

I wouldn't get too excited about it. She knows that you are going to give a gift. All she is doing is making sure that there are no double items or that something is indeed needed. It saves people from having to answer lots of questions about what someone may or may not want. This sort of thing happens a lot now a days.



If you don't want to participate just nicely tell your daughter in law that you are from a different generation and prefer not to be involved with any more gift registrations. Then give what you want. However! If you do decide to do this - don't turn around and ask what it is that she recommends for your grand daughter - because that is why the gift registration was set up in the first place!

Answer 4

I think you may have misinterpreted your daughter-in-law's intentions or maybe she just handled this is a very awkward way. Most grandparents have no clue what their grandchildren are interested in - what toysand games they like, if they like dolls or blocks, etc. It is very likely your daughter-in-law was just trying to save you time and offer ideas if you needed any. Registering for gifts is "in" now, since so many families are separated by too many miles for everyone to see each other frequently.



Maybe your daughter-in-law could have handled it better: waiting to see if you asked for help would have been better than just blindly sending you the registry. I get your point that it seems to take for granted that you will be shopping for a gift and it makes it look like your granddaughter would be ungrateful for anything that isn't on that list.



I always send a disclaimer with our registry: the list isn't written in stone; it's only there as a guide to what the children's interests are. The registry also helps us by making sure everyone knows the current clothing sizes for the kids. If it didn't make the holiday shopping more simple for our widespread family, we wouldn't create a registry.

Answer 5

No, you are not wrong. I can understand a list but a registry? Very tacky and in poor taste (imo). I tend to agree w/you as far as this teaching your granddaughter poor manners and possibly greed, but don't get me started on how I feel most parents today are clueless and their kids are/or become equally clueless when dealing with loved ones & people in general. Entitlement is NOT a lesson one should teach.



Tell your daughter-in-law that you rec'd her email and kindly say: "Thanks for the ideas but I will decide on my own what gift from the heart I choose for (granddaughter's name). Take care. Good-bye"



Short & sweet. Hope this helped.

Answer 6

You are right. She is absolutely teaching her daughter that registering for Christmas gifts is the right thing to do. Phew, talk about setting a kid up for BIG disappointments....



I would say, "You know, I might be old fashioned, but I was brought up to consider registries for very special one time only events. So I am going to choose not to use one for birthday and Christmas gifts for my grandchild. I am going to choose something that comes from my heart, rather than a list. I know I will appreciate giving it more that way. And I hope, as she gets older, she will appreciate receiving it more that way. I understand, however, that how she learns to appreciate things is largely up to you and her father."

Answer 7

Really! No way?! Times have changed. **I like COLD GREY ASH's answer, well done**



Devil's advocate - would you rather your g-daughter actually use and enjoy a gift from you, or to sell it at her next yard sale? Also, your DIL is attempting to be proactive to the inevitable question of what the little girl would like for Christmas.



But I have to agree that sending out a random email with no prior discussion is presumptuous at best, and tacky. I'm assuming the GD is a youngster whom you adore, right? That's my only guess at why the DIL would do that.

Answer 8

Whilst it is always nice to get the correct present, this sort of shameful behaviour just isn't cricket. It is acceptable for a wedding list, but Christmas and Birthday presents are supposed to be from the heart.



You could take the gesture as a little bit of guidance, and get something similar, maybe from a different store.

Answer 9

Wow...that's a first for me! A Christmas gift registry?...I agree with you 100% on this. I can see something like this would decrease the possibility of getting duplicate gifts...but how impersonal can you get?!!! If I were you, I'd ignore this e-mail. If there are questions, just tell your DIL that isn't the proper way to give gifts...or ASK for them.



Also, your granddaugter is being taught overindulgence. It used to be that kids 'asked for' one or two major gifts that they REALLY wanted (or needed), rather than a laundry list of things that would simply be cool to have.

Answer 10

I believe she is probably trying to help the relatives get things that are either useful, or age appropriate. My family always asks me for ideas for my son - because we live far apart, they don't know what he has or what he is interested in right now. I don't register, but I do send some suggestions in an email with links on it.

She probably thinks she is being helpful, and I doubt her daughter knows what she did. Perhaps tell her you are happy for the suggestions, but you'd rather find your own gift in the future.

That will tell her you don't think it's necessary for her to register for gifts, but hopefully not offend her.

Answer 11

The registering is rediculas. But my grandparents and other family members always asked my brother and I what we wanted to Chirstmas. Since my family has actually given a toys r us to me when I was 17, when they all know that I always ask for a borders or target card. lol.



I think registering is selfish and maybe mention it to your son. If you like an item on the list for her, get it at another store. Or make a registrey as a joke in return to send to your DIL with things you want....she'd then get the message. but making a simple list is fine.

Answer 12

No you are not wrong.That is just rude.The way to make your ideas known is to either speak up,by email if necessary and to not buy from that site.If you get questioned you should speak up.Yes we live in a strange world lately but these things will only keep going if we don't speak up.I can see the idea behind it but not the reasoning.Blessings!

Answer 13

It relies upon how lots funds your mum and dad have. while you're tight on funds ask for in basic terms some issues you somewhat, somewhat need and of direction, do no longer anticipate to get all of them. in case you have funds to spare ask for each thing you like and lower back, do no longer anticipate to get all of them.

Answer 14

No. Give them a card that says x amount of dollars was donated to x fund in their names. The nerve!

Answer 15

I think it it incredibly rude and tacky. I did notice some answers thought it was okay, but to me it doesn't seem right at all.

Answer 16

My in-laws ask for Christmas ideas for all of us, including their own son. If someone asks me for a list, i'll give them one. Otherwise, I wouldn't do it, as its incredibly rude if unsolicited.