How do you respond to someone who complains all the time?

Question

My roommate (who is a wonderful person) has developed the unfortunate habit of complaining... a LOT. Every day, she finds something to complain about. She sighs and rolls her eyes. She complains if she can't find her keys, or if the light turns red, or if she's running late. Or for any reason, really.

She always complains about headaches, she never seems to feel good, and she just is complaining more and more. Neither one of us get much sleep-- we have very hectic schedules, but I don't complain about it.

It's just excessive. Everyone complains sometimes, but she does it constantly. If I say something to her, I'm sure I will offend her. I really do like her and care about her feelings.

Answer 1

I'd find out why this behavior got started. She may be depressed or worried. Be a pal and find out the why. If you can help her with that, she'll probably stop complaining about things that have nothing to do with her real problem, whatever that may be.

If she's complaining without an underlying cause, maybe she wants a new roommate and she's trying to get you out and someone else in.

Or she could be physically ill with something and not know how to handle it.

You won't know until you ask. Best way to ask.....be polite, but just ask outright, in a calm, soothing tone of voice, whassamattah you? Or words to that effect.

Answer 2

Normally I would suggest create some distance between you and the person who is like that. But since she is yoru roommate, you might not have the means to move out at the drop of a hat.



So if she is as wonderful as you say she is and has a good enough attitude to be worth your efforts, I would suggest that during one of those late night heart-to-heart mushy sentimental conversations ask her some "how are you doing, is everything all right, if she is feeling ok?" etc type questions and pointed out that you have noticed that she's been complaining alot and are concerned about her. Then slip in the suggestion that she should be more positive and not complain so much about every little thing in life and that people are starting to take notice, including yourself. Hopefully she can take the hint.



Otherwise you just might have to look for a new roommate or a different place to dwell if she proves to be too much of an energy sapper.

Answer 3

OOOOOOOOOH I worked for someone like that. He was a chronic complainer and no matter what you would tell him to do as a solution he would say "nooooooo I don't think that is such a good idea"



Sometimes you just have to ignore a person's complaints. Some people are that way, just never happy and they just have to complain about everything.



Just sort of help her out by reminding her that she shouldn't cry over spilt milk and it doesn't do good to whine about something that cannot be changed. If she has a headache, tell her to take something for it rather than complain about it. Besides, complaining just makes the situation worse because when you complain you are focusing and making the problem look bigger than what it really is

Answer 4

It really sounds like there is a lot of stress in both of your lives(yes I know you are straight). Maybe you two need to sit down and talk one on one and talk about what is going on. You all will get alot accomplished if you talk.

Maybe it is time for a girls night out. Bingo, bar, club hopping, or something that it is just adults. It will relive both of you and when you wake up in the morning it will be a fresh start.

Also you all need to designate a place to keep your keys at all times. Start a schedule where you get out earlier and won't be running late. As for the red light just tell her it is part of life. And the headaches/never feeling good she may need to see a doctor. They can give her something for nerves or whatever they find wrong.

Just a few ideas.

Answer 5

Don't respond. By doing so you are thowing fuel on the fire. The more you talk about her problems the more comfortable she'll feel complaining. Find a way to make the situation uncomfortable. Maybe something simple like changing the channel to something she doesn't like. Try her out like pavlov's dog. Condition her to expect something irritating whenever she complains.

If that seems like too much work then just tell her. If you hold in things until you hit the boiling point then you explode on them, neither side will be happy afterwards.

Answer 6

Wow! I'm amazed at the number of replies that respond only to how the complaining effects the listener and not what it might be communicating. People complain because they're unhappy. Telling someone they "shouldn't" be unhappy only adds shame to their unhappiness. There's a thing called reflective listening...reflecting back to the speaker the message behind the words. Like "A lot of things are getting to you lately more than usual. What's up?"

Answer 7

Granny Annie maybe on to something here. Since it's a new development, you would be justified (and kind) if you showed concern. For example: "Sweetie, you seem a lot more worried than you used to be. Is there something wrong? Can I help?")



Once you break the ice by letting her know that you're just concerned, then you'll both be free to probe a little further. You then proceed with care. Good luck.



Oh yeah ... good picture.

Answer 8

It sounds as if she may be depressed, or it may just be a habit she is not aware of.



If you feel close and comfortable enough, make a time for when you both are free and explain in a non accusatory way, what you have observed. Be sure to stress what you DO like abut her. Ask if she is feeling depressed or if she is stressing about something



Let it show you really care and want to work out a living enviroment you both feel comfortable with.

Answer 9

Some people when they complain this way, this means they want to grab attention, they feel lonely, and un secure.

Try to advise her, to join any kind of activities, and to try to find some friends to hang out with.

Try to oppose her complain in to something positive or make some jokes on it, so as to turn her attention some where else, or simply try to make a similarity with the situation, with a movie or something.

This way she will finally gets it.

Answer 10

I think that you just need to be honest with her and tell her, "Look I really care about you. I think sometimes if you could try and look at the positive things in life of look at thinks in a positive approach, you would feel better and so would everyone around you. Like a pebble when it hits the water, the ripples are the reaction to your roommates action. But it must start positive, to be good, else the ripples will be bad. The power of one positive thought.

Answer 11

Maybe she is just under an extreme amount of stress. A lot of people become more irritable when their lives are so hectic. I have been the same way lately. I think I have been getting on my boyfriend's nerves with similar behavior. I think he has tried to manage this by more sex lol. Has your friend been getting any action? If not, maybe you could buy her some "help."

Answer 12

Like the new picture btw, old one wasn't bad either.

That being said, it sounds like she's got a lot going on. She could probably use some time with a therapist, or a call to dr laura. Sounds like she's mega stressed or maybe lonely? I'm a complainer myself, but I'm aware when I'm too much. Well I'm aware because people around me tell me I am. It's not bad to tell her she complains too much, just do it "nicely". You are within your rights to voice your feelings.

Answer 13

Maybe try ignoring her, I mean dont respond to her huffin and puffin and all. Maybe do a little complaining on purpose, she might call it on you then you could tell her this is what she sounds like. Might get the point. You know what when she starts to complain, walk away she'll have to get it then.

Answer 14

I think she complains because she doesn't know how to express her love for you. She is frustrated and, as the saying goes, you hurt the people you love. My advice is when she complains next, that you sweep her into your arms and give her a big wet kiss and tell her, "everything is going to be alright, Mommy's home now."

... Make sure its a good one, we don't want to hear her complain about it.

Answer 15

Shaming her might work temporarily, but it never lasts and strains the friendship. If she's always been a whiner, just try to ignore it. If it's a recent development, try to find out if there is something real behind it.

Answer 16

Sounds like she is stressed. It could also be a cry for attention.

As to how to respond, be understanding but also let her know that the consistancy of her complaints are a bit annoying. I am not sure but I would say that she likes alot of attention and to be heard.

Answer 17

how do you know that she is just complaining for the sake of it??



it could be much deeper then that and she might have some reall problems that she doesnt talk about or it could even be a something else.... but just be nice and try and talk to her about the whole complaining thing

Answer 18

Sit down with her and talk of all the problems she is having and try to help her deal with, talking will also let you get out any complains you may have.

Answer 19

My usual response is to politely asked the person if they would like some cheese with their whine. It gets to point across clearly, with a little humor to take the edge off.

Answer 20

I would try to ignore her and not respond when she complains or you could talk to her about and suggest she get some help for the depression she may be suffering from.

Answer 21

When she complains about something minor, like she can't find her keys, you could remind her that there are people who would kill to have a car so they can lose their keys too.

Answer 22

I had a roommate like that, what a horrible time in my life. I finally told him he had to move or change his ways...I am a positive person, normally that gets others around you positive. I would tell her to lighten up, life isn't that bad!

Answer 23

Tell them/her/him that they are responsible for the whole Universe and everything that goes on in it. And that complaining is not going to make any difference.

Answer 24

I think you should approach her with it, but a little bit of humor may halt any risk of offending her. Try, "ha ha ha...you complain more than my grandmother...ha ha ha". And though it was a light conversation, perhaps it will stick in her mind.

Answer 25

Say nothing. She'll get the message.



She helped you. You are greatful and no doubt have thanked her. It doesn't mean you have to listen to her complain.

Answer 26

I'd have to amek fun of her. Every time she starts complaining, stick out your lower lip, start sniffing your nose, and if you can, work up a tear or two.

Answer 27

Read her this quote to let her know that someone else always

has it harder in life:



..."I used to complain that I didn't have any shoes-

until I met a man who didn't have any legs..."



Hopefully this will put things into perspective for her.

Answer 28

Tell her gently how lucky she is.

That she has a roof over her head and such a good housemate.

Get her a gift of a self esteem workshop perhaps.

Answer 29

Oh she's a "Wonderful Person" but you may "offend" her? Sounds like an "ANNOYING" Woman to me..should have chosen a male roomate..

Answer 30

WOW, she sounds like a very lonly person. Tell her,"everydays a holiday, and every meals a feast"!

Answer 31

If she is always complain then maybe you can tel her to either do it herslef or all help out and help eachother

Answer 32

Reminds me of the boy that cried wolf. Maybe tell her that story.

Answer 33

Say "you've got more problems than a one legged man in an *** kicking contest!"

Answer 34

My mom is like that. I either try to change the subject or ignore her whining.

Answer 35

I have To Keep Silent, if i can... i would try to help and solve the problem, other wise,i will keep silent too (^_^)

Answer 36

start by screaming selfish listen for ones in your life and ssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

Answer 37

i find a punch on the nose helps, it wont stop her moaning, but you'll feel loads better!!

Answer 38

Maybe she just wants to be listened to.

Answer 39

you don't. you just let her run her mouth, and look at her. believe me, once she sees you don't really care, she'll stop.

Answer 40

complain right back.... about everything... including her comlaints

Answer 41

I'd say move out...and move in with me.....cause you are smoking hot!!!!

Answer 42

kill her then hide the body at a garbage dump.

Answer 43

id tell her to try not to be so neggative

Answer 44

(geat BIG smile) say "Would you like some CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE with your whine?" (then blink twice)

Answer 45

make her taste her own poison :[

Answer 46

I THINK SHE'S CHEATING ON YOU..DROP HER =)