Bizzare Dispute Over Wedding Gifts and Thank You Notes?

Question

Hi, please, your thoughts on this silly situation.
I've known a girl "Sara" since we were in elementary school together. We came to the same college where we remained friends. Eventually, due to our friendship, my roommate also became friends with her. Happily both my roommate and I were invited to Sara's wedding, so began the process of choosing a gift.
My roommate "Marcia" purchased something off the registry. I decided to put together photo albums and DVDs featuring pictures of Sara and all her childhood memories as she had recently lost all her belongings in a fire. She cried and cried over all her memories going up in flames. It took months and the input of many of her friends to compile this gift.
After the wedding, Marcia recieves her thank you card and I recieved none. I didn't really care until I bumped into Sara's mom in a store and suddenly she blurted out "Sorry about not sending a card, they were expensive so I decided to reserve them for the expensive gifts"

Answer 1

You are totally right here. Some of my favorite wedding gifts are the ones that were not on my registry, but something that the giver knew we would love and appreciate. The gift you gave sounds like a beautiful heartfelt gift, and to not thank you for such a great gift is very tacky of the receiver. Thank you cards aren't THAT expensive...hell, go to the dollar store and get a pack for a couple of dollars. It doesn't matter if its a fancy foil-lettered card or a simple 99 cent card. What matters is that every person that gives a gift is to be thanked, whether they give a candle or the sweet gift you gave of photo albums and DVDs. I'm sorry this happened to you and I totally agree with you. Your gift deserved a thank you just as much, if not more so, than the ones that came from the registry.

Answer 2

First of all - how awesome are you. What an outstanding idea and a gift that she will always have. Second - MOM should not be sending out thank-you's. Sara should. You absolutely should have gotten a card -- a very thoughtful card. If I were you, I'd call or go see Sara. I have bought a box of 8 thank you card from Hallmark and used them in a pinch. (I suggest this as a wedding gift for Sara and her mom). Gift registry's are "ideas" for people who don't know what the likes and dislikes of the intended couple are. I very rarely get something off the registry because I cannot afford most of the things the couple has selected and I'll decide what I want to give as a gift - Someone else will not tell me what to get. Your gift was so personal and sentimental that Mom, Sara and every single guest should have been gushing over it. Shame on Sara and you really need to talk to her. You need to tell her how hurt you are. Maybe you'll need to reevaluate your friendship, because it sounds to me that she doesn't know the meaning of the word. That said....did she go nuts in front of everyone - stop and look at the pictures - put the DVD on, etc, all the while just saying "thank you mrs. smith for the wonderful measuring cups? In her mind that may have been your thank you and unfortunately Etiquette does say that if you say thank you in person, it isn't necessary to write a note. I disagree with this, but I'm old fashioned. However in her mind, she may have fussed over your gift publically and therefore thought a formal note wasn't necessary. Hence the reason why you really do need to have a conversation with her. Good luck.

Answer 3

Wow. That has got to be one of the rudest things I've ever heard of.



Did Sara's mom have a price list of the gifts and if the gift was under a certain dollar amount, decide it wasn't worthy of a thank you card?



Sara's mom lacks any kind of class whatsoever. And, no offense, but your friend Sara didn't exactly score any points either. With all of the love, time, and effort that you put into your gift, she should have sent you a personal thank you note, or at the very least a phone call. Either that, or she had no idea that her mother didn't send thank you cards to everyone.



Either way, it doesn't matter what you gave her, a thank you card was definitely in line.

Answer 4

Why was the bride's mother sending out the thank you notes? It is the bride and groom who are supposed to send out the thank you notes. And how expensive can a thank you note be? Her mom is an idiot... but the bride is the one at fault. She's the one that neglected to thank you for the gift.



All wedding gifts - on or off the registry - deserve a thank you note. Why are you letting your roommate get involved in this dispute? She's probably just feeling that she didn't get as nice of a reaction from the bride for her gift, and she's trying to make herself feel more important. Who knows.



Either way, let it go. It was a gift because you cared about the person you gave it to. A true gift has no expectations. It's too bad she didn't send you a note, but you have to realize that by expecting something in return, it taints your act of giving.

Answer 5

Well first off, your present obviously had more thought and time put into it. Anyone can look at a list, pick something out, and wrap it up. A photo album may not be a traditional wedding present. It may have been more appropraite for say, a birthday or something. I think a couples album may have been more appropratie as a wedding gift, but no matter... that's not the concern. The bottom line is that you absolutly should have receieved a thank you card. It's just plain rude not to send a thank you card, whether it be a wedding, a party, etc.

Answer 6

EVERY gift should get a thank you card. It's not the monetary value that matters. Thank you cards should go out to everyone who wished the bride and groom well, regardless of the gift. Even if that gift was just showing up and a verbal good luck wish or greeting card. As far as the registry goes, those are "ideas" for things the couple would like...a "wish list", and it doesn't mean you are obligated to buy something from the registry. You aren't even obligated to buy something...you can give money (which is what most people do anyway). I think it's BAD MANNERS that you didn't get a card. It's obvious this girl is selfish and wasn't brought up well.

Answer 7

First off, it's very tacky and ungrateful the response you received from the mother of the bride. You put alot of thought into the gift that you gave. It tells me that you care about your friends more than just spending a buck or two! Anyone can go and get what's on the registry (it's right there for you and requires NO THOUGHT at all) I have been in the same situation, but remember "it's the thought that counts" and "all that glitters, isn't gold!" you are a true and thoughtful friend and oneday your friend will truly appreciate the gift you gave her.....

Answer 8

Excuse me, but when did it become polite not to send a thank you note? You spent many hours, and a lot of effort to put together a thoughtful gift. There is NO acceptable excuse! It begs the question, why did she not go to the local stationery store and get some less expensive thank you cards? It is the new couple's responsibility to acknowledge EVERY gift with a note. I don't understand why her mother was involved, anyway.

Since when is it OK for couples to acknowledge only gifts that were "asked for"? It's tacky to ask for gifts, no matter how it's done. Shame on them!

Answer 9

WOW, they are the tacky ones. Every gift deserves a thank you no matter what it is. I recently put together a photo album for my parents 50th wedding anniversary. It took me months,(not to mention cost$$$$) My parents were absolutely touched by it & said it was the best gift they could have received. I hope Sara has, at least, verbally thanked you for the thoughtful gift. I certainly would.Weddings have become such a materialistic show. Its no wonder so many marriages don't last

Answer 10

No, Sara and her mom were wrong. EVERY gift received should get a thank you note.



And no, it's not tacky to give a gift that's not off the registry. Your gift was most thoughtful.



But as far as you are concerned, I'd just forgive them and go on with life. Don't hold grudges. It's not healthy.

Answer 11

You are so right and they are so wrong! EVERYONE should get a thank you note - even the people who DON"T give any gift at all. Their presence at the wedding should be gift enough.



If one only sent out thank yous for items on the registry - well, then, the people who say "no gifts, give to charity instead" wouldn't have any notes to write!



I've been going to weddings for years and I have always - ALWAYS - gotten a thank you -- even when I was 20 years old and they airline ticket to the wedding WAS their gift!!



If they couldn't afford thank you cards and postage, they should have cut the guest list and saved money!



And finally - WOW!! YOUR gift sounds so much better than store-bought anyway -- try to forgive them their ignorance - they will most likely appreciate your gift in the future....

Answer 12

Your thoughtful gift was greatly undervalued. I am afraid I don't understand either the lack of a thank you card or even worse, the mother's comments which were beyond tacky.



You should do the correct thing and let this go. I would not take any overt actions to retaliate, but certainly you can now see that your "friendship" was not quite what you thought it was. Move on and be the bigger person. This is a great lesson on declining manners. I guess the mother failed to teach her daughter, but the same must be true of her mother's mother.

Answer 13

There has never been anything in regards to Thank-you notes that I have ever seen that would preclude any guest from receiving a Thank-You note because the gift did not have a great monetary value.



It was purely rude and demonstrates your friend and her mother's absolute lack of etiquette and respect.



In the end, dear, as the saying goes, some folks just don't have any "home training" !

Answer 14

It is NOT tacky to give a gift that is not on the registry, but it was tacky for the mother to tell you such a thing. It showed some serious lack of class.

The gift you gave her was one that actually came from the heart and showed honest love and consideration for the bride.

Answer 15

Well, you're right -- it is a silly situation. My best advice is to forget about it. You don't give a gift in order to receive a thank you note or to be recognized for all the hard work that went into the preparation of the gift you gave. If you and Sara have been friends for so long then you know, in your heart and soul, that she really appreciated the gift. Let it be.

Answer 16

NO! That is NOT right! I'm afarid Sara is not a good friend after all. I can only imagine the work it took you to get your gift to her together. That is something that just couldn't be bought off the shelf. What a shame. She should have sent you a special card!

I'm so sorry your so-called friend did this to you.

Answer 17

wow, that's really rude of her mother, by the sounds of it, your gift was a hell of a lot more personal than something off a registry. I think registries are tacky anyway. You went to a lot of trouble to create something she would cherish, be proud of that.

Answer 18

perhaps sara and her cheap a$$ mother should have taken the time to hand make a thank you card for your handmade gift..

but don't let it bother you just blow it off as you did the right thing out of love and respect for your friend but you can't control the behaviour of others

Answer 19

i believe that you are in the right here... to give such a gift from the heart which required manyhours and lots of emotion is so thoughtful.. it is unthoughtful and not very friend like for it not to be acknowledeged. ettiqutee requires acknowlwdgement on gifts not opened in the presence of the sender... whether they cost lots of $$$ is not of issue.....

Answer 20

wow. the mother and sara are incredibly tacky. this is wrong wrong wrong. its up to you whether to remain friends, but i would certainly never give her another present again

Answer 21

You are the only sane one here. You were right. Your friends are wrong. Not to mention tacky.

Answer 22

it was tacky NOT to send the thank you note.