So, my coworker is always inviting me to lunch, but i end up paying all the time. How can I asker to stop??

Question

She is not really my friend (she doesnt have any friends) and she comes to me asking if we could take our lunch together, but somehow, I always end up paying. I feel bad for her cuz she's so lonely, but I also feel like she is taking advantage of me.She'll even ask me to get her something when I go to lunch with my friends, and never has she payed me back. I wouldnt mind so much if i knew that she is financiallly struggling or if I felt she was interested in my friendship... I just hate paying for her ALL the time.

Answer 1

ACK! Well, I can relate because I had the same situation with a co-worker and eventually whatever tepid friendship we had was completely ruined over this. She would invite me to go to lunch with her (assumption with work is always dutch treat) but when we'd get there, she'd have forgotten her wallet. Then she'd ask how much I'd brought, and order accordingly. The first time she did this it was at a Boston Market and I ordered a bowl of chicken soup while she went ahead and ordered a full turkey dinner. I was so pissed but figured I was getting paid back....nope. When we got back to her desk it was all, "whoops, I don't have any cash on me so I'll get your lunch some other time."



Anyway, this would happen not every day but every now and then I would somehow find myself in this position of "lending" her money and I would be kicking myself.



My conclusion? These people are users. She is not interested in your friendship and perhaps she is alone all the time for a reason. It's time to shut it down. Lie to her face. Tell her you only brought money for yourself and your credit cards were canceled. Tell her you don't lend money when you're waiting to be paid back. Whatever it is, cut her off now because she's never going to turn into a thoughtful, considerate person - hence, she won't ever be a worthwhile person to have in your life.

Answer 2

I hate these types of situations and people who are "Users" but this particular person might just have no idea (though I doubt that). This sort of thing is usually a case of bad upbringing. Seeing as it has happened a few times and you are out of pocket there is a simple solution. You could just stop joining her for lunch even if you feel so sorry for her. I mean you have suffered financial loss because of this person.

But what I really think is the best way to handle it is to most definitely make it a point to have a word with her about it. Surely it is in no way rude to do this. Like "Hi Jess there is something that has been bothering me a lot about you and that is you don't seem to understand the etiquette of "reciprocation" and I am just telling you this in case you have never been taught this fact. Now if ever you want me to pick up a sandwich or whatever for you I want the money upfront and if ever we have lunch together again I expect you to pay for it until such time as you even up the score a bit.

Now if you say this and she is a "User" and not just "Plain Dumb" then you will not be troubled by her again.

See it is possible she was just never taught good manners by her parents but if she has that element of "cunning" re these matters then I wouldn't want to know her at all. She is there at your workplace earning money is she not????

Answer 3

Friends help each other. You clearly feel used but you are being a friend to her and that's a good thing. She might not feel comfortable telling you about her financial difficulties. Ask her one day where she likes to go on the weekend when its just her or suggest that she pick up lunch for the two of you on ****day ( the day of or after payday) and tell her what you would like. Make it obtainable like something you've already bought for her.

I was 24 before I came out of my shell and did it badly. I put my friends in awkward positions unintentionally more than once simply because I hadn't been in those situations before. Luckily I was befriended by someone who was comfortable saying things like "You know, Terri, if you had asked Dave to buy more than once in a row he might expect something." complete with a ridiculous eyebrow waggle. Then I felt like a $*** but realized I messed up.

Honesty is important and as evidenced by several responses here compassion is not. You've shown you can be compassionate. Go ahead an be honest but gently and with a little humor. Don't humiliate her, no good can come from that.

Answer 4

The longest way is, the next time she asks tell her, "Oh! I'm sorry, but I can't afford to buy us both lunch, I only have enough money to buy for myself today. Maybe another day, huh?" And, next time, tell her the same thing but in a different way. Make sure that you put just enough money in your wallet for your own lunch. If you use a credit card, she can't know you aren't telling the truth. That's the hard long way to do it.

The easiest way is to just tell her, "I can't afford to be buying you lunch everyday. I like eating lunch with you but only if we can pay for our own food and drink from now on." If she takes offense and walks away or says never mind then, make a sad face and tell her, "I'm sorry sweetie, but thanks for asking."

You are an adult and you know she is doing this on purpose..so there is no need to be nice. Niceness should only be given to people who deserve it. You tried to be nice a couple of times or so already, but that's enough. If you keep it up, it's not shame on her anymore, it's shame on yourself for letting her take advantage of you. Good luck, cuz these awkward situations are always pains in the butt! ;)

Answer 5

I personally would accept his kind offer (if I wasn't married). It's a kind gesture and it's not everyday a man is polite and gentlemen like these days. But if you insist on not accepting it I would say something like this: "Awe! That's sweet, thank you for offering, but that's cool I got it." Then smile, so he doesn't think your rude. He may be wanting something more or he could just be a real gentlemen. Just look at the signs. Usually you can tell when a guy likes you.

Answer 6

Huh? why would you be paying for her? and why would you feel sorry for her? stop that! she gets paid just like you do.

If she asks you to order something then either say to her how much she owes you or put a slip of paper on her desk or right in front of her of how much she owes you. If she doesn't pay up then never buy her anything again even if she asks (say, awww I'm sorry, I forgot). She should get the picture. If not then just bypass her (not taking her order). If her feelings get hurt surely she won't mention that to you, but if she does say that she's not your kid and so you don't have to pay for her, and it sets you back if you pay for someone else too because you have a budget. You teach people how to treat you, and if you teach them to treat you like a door mat they will. Be assertive and learn to say "no".



I had a neighbor who used to stop by to borrow stuff all the time and I lent it, but then when I needed something, and at one point needed rides to the doctor then I called in my favors and he was happy to help me out...so it was an even deal. I don't know if this is the kind of situation you have with that co-worker or not.

Answer 7

Why do you keep going to lunch with her if she's not your friend and you end up paying for her each time? Next time she asks, just say, "Sure, your treat this time right?" If she's using you, as you suspect, she'll either make an excuse or won't be asking you again. There's no need for you to feel badly---I feel badly that you let yourself be walked on.

Answer 8

When she asks to join you, ask if she has cash with her. I'm guessing you get paid roughly the same amount, give or take a bit, right? Gently and kindly remind her that you can't always pay for her and yourself. She may truly have been misunderstanding something you said. Broach the subject carefully, and let her know you'd love her company but she has to pay for her own lunch.

Answer 9

So-- don't go to lunch with her, or let her know you would like to, but she needs to buy for both of you. She has no friends because she is a manipulator, and manipulates people into doing stuff for her or in your case, getting her free lunches. JUST SAY NO. Simple as that. And if she asks you to pick up something tell her "no thanks" and walk on.

Answer 10

next time she asks you to get something for her say "it's about $6 if you don't mind paying in advance" if she doesn't want to pay in advance, then just say "sorry, can't get it without the money up front"



when she asks you to lunch say "it's your turn to pay this time" and make it stick. if she isn't willing to pay then don't go with her. or you could say "separate checks" it is your duty to do something about this since it is botheringyou.

Answer 11

People can't take advantage of you without your express or implied permission.



Why is it so hard to say, "I'm not buying your lunch today" or "No, I can't go to lunch with you today"?!?



This may be a colleague, but this is no friend. If she continues to take advantage of you, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Answer 12

If you know you are being used, why keep doing it? From today onwards, tell her you "won't" be going for lunch with her nor are you buying her anything. Be firm. If she asks you why, tell her she needs to pay for her own food.

Answer 13

Clearly theres a REASON she doesn't have any friends, no body likes a freeloader!! Man the cheek of it, why do you continually pay? Just say no, don't be a walk over!

Answer 14

I have that problem with my sister in law.

you have several choices. 1. say 'sure, your' treat this time!'

2. tell her you'd love to , and since you "forgot" your wallet today, will she pick up the tab, since you've done it several times.

3. Be straight with her, and suggest you go "dutch"

4. decline politely.

she is taking advantage of you... you are her meal ticket after all!

Answer 15

You do not need to ask HER to stop. Your best choice is to make the decision for yourself!!!! Remember that "NO" is a complete sentence..you dont need to justify, argue, defend or explain your decision. You dont owe her a thing.

Answer 16

just "talk" to her about her attitude..and behavior



Trust me I know it might sound like a mean thing to do but COMMUNICATION is the only way to get through your work and colleague problems





this is something I too am working on...being "honest" with my colleagues because SOME of them really know how to get their own way with people like us who just are too curtious or nice enough

Answer 17

Suddenly find yourself with the condition of Deafness ......... Huh what can't hear you ....oh you're moving to another state . well then have a nice trip ...drive safe