How long after a death should I offer condolences?

Question

A woman on a forum I post to mentioned in passing in an Instant Message that her husband had died about eight years ago. I didn't know her at all and I didn't know if she wanted to talk about it, plus I'm uncomfortable talking about things like that with people I don't know, so I didn't mention anything about it. Two months later she told me that I had hurt her feelings by not offering condolences. If I knew her or her husband, or if it had happened recently, I would have. And if I knew that she expected it I would have. But it never occurred to me to offer condolences to someone I didn't know, for her husband I didn't know, in an instant message. I wouldn't for an instant expect someone to offer condolences now for the death of my parents ten years ago. Especially from someone I only know from instant messages. Is this really a major faux pas, or is she being overly sensitive?

Answer 1

she is really being over sensitive i don't think it would be necessary to offer condolences to someone who died 10 years ago and especially someone u didn't even know.so please don't feel bad

Answer 2

It is a minor faux pas, but she's being overly sensitive by hitting you over the head with it.



I've mentioned my husband's death from time to time in Q&A when it was on topic, and someone always has offered condolences, even though it was 21 years ago; but it wouldn't have offended me if they hadn't.



You can always cover all the bases in the future by saying "sorry to hear about your (fill in the blank)", regardless of how long ago it was. Time distance doesn't matter at all.

Answer 3

If you assume something and the turn out to be factually wrong like this a simple "I'm sorry" is a nice sign of appreciation of the loss of the other person. After all, you cannot have known so it is not an intentional mistake, but it is a recognition that you might have made assumptions which we not valide and you udnerstand the other persons situation and may have been even more understanding. And then asking if they want to talk about it is also good, it doesn't matter 8 years or 8 weeks, sometimes grief takes along time... my mother lost my father 9 years ago and is just now coming to terms with it ....

Answer 4

I don't think there's any real time limit on offering condolences. Imagine that you were talking to someone on the street and the same thing happened, would you say anything? Treat it the same way. Not a major faux pas, but these things smooth the course of human relations.

Answer 5

She is being overly sensitive but a little of a fuax pas. She's a woman she mentioned it for a reason, that being 'pls offer me condolences. One swift appology through it back in her court, by asking if she wants to talk about it? Which she wont as the damage is done as she's a woman but atleast you wont feel guilty. Sorry mate you've been set up like us men always are by the ladies.

Answer 6

I'm not a minister, but the pastors at the three churches i have attended, didn't call. They get in their cars and drive to where ever the family is to offer support in person. Now, in defence of this person's pastor. Does he know? Seriously, if no one told him, he would have no way of knowing. It seems kinda basic, but an example: I was very involved in my church and was considered a "ministry leader" but I was on summer break from my responsibilities. Got real sick, in bed a week, ended up with 105 fever for two days and then spent 7 days in the hospital. My husband was so busy taking care of our children, staying with me, and working that he did not have time to call anyone to let them know how ill I was. My senior pastor did not find out until I got home what happened. He felt bad, but I didn't blame him, no one told him how sick I was. Same thing could be happening here. If it was a family member of a church member, and the deceased didn't live in town or it is a large city, there's a good chance that your friend's pastor just didn't know. do not judge him, instead encourage your friend to simply ask her pastor next time she sees him. "by the way pastor, did you know Aunt Gertrude passed on two weeks ago?" the look on his face will tell her.

Answer 7

You're right about condolences, i would have done that myself, she may be a little sensitive some people are like that, i think she's a very nice person.

Answer 8

She's being overly sensy, especially if it's only an IM relationship. It sounds like she's one of those needy people who have to have their whole existence validated.



By the way, I'm sorry to hear that your parents passed.

Answer 9

Extremely!

Answer 10

just start by saying im sorry your husband has passed away , and im sure if she wants to continue with the conversation she will , u sound like a good person

Answer 11

When someone says "my husband has passed" it is polite to say "I'm sorry to hear that". Even if this is the very first time you are ever speaking to them. It is just proper.

Answer 12

After 8 years you are too late for condolences. It is far more likely that she likes you and is letting you know that she is not attached.

Answer 13

Whenever I hear someone say that someone died, I say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that!" and then depending on what they say the conversation moves on.

Answer 14

i think whenever you find out about it.

because even if its 10 years later, people will still be sad about it.

Answer 15

its never to late or too erly to offer your condolences eeither way they will be recieved......

Answer 16

Right away!