i clicked the question bcoz i thought you wanted Humor!!
but now i see that its totaly different...
yes i do agree that some people are so **************** ************************* *************** ********** ******** (and you know these were not censored, AnswerMan keeps his Standards)
anyway i had copied some jokes while this page was loading..its a long list anyway keep it!!! i have not read it, but i will after submitting
& CTRL+V
Verse Cases...
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance
Were if not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance
-
Cross a giraffe with an ostrich, and you'd really be sticking your neck out.
-
Signing off...Diet salon...No ammesty for Desserters
-
Winterruptions...Skaters doing their ice o'metrics
-
Would you say...Clarence Birdseye deserved a Nobel peas prize?
-
Connubial Blitz...Lawyer to lawyer...It sure would make things easier if our
wives accepted plea bargaining.
-
Signing Off...Building-supply store...Planks to you, We're Lumber One.
-
The fifth-grader class enjoyed finding little-known Presidential trivial while
doing reports on our former chief executives. But they surprised me when the
teacher asked...Which President had a stuffed animal named after him?
Their unanimous answer was not Teddy Roosevelt...It was Garfield.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
Your dad and I were happy, (I think) to learn you are a ham now. Does this
mean you were salt cured or hickory smoked?? You should be very popular at
parties, now.. You mentioned a Copper Cactus J-pole. You know how I love
houseplants and I don't believe I have one of those...could you get your
dear old mother one, please... I checked with FTD and they never heard of it
as well as my favorite green house.
I would be the first in town to get one. and when it got big enough I could
give everyone cuttings from it to start their own with, I would be a very
popular gal..and I hope your HF rig gets fixed soon. (I think that stands
for Henry-J Ford), doesn't it?? You can't go many places with a sick HF rig,
you know. How do you get anywhere? Did I understand you to say your dipstick
did Morse code???? is it supposed to do that? your father and I think you
should take that thing right back where you found it, and get your money
back...
I had to laugh when I read your "Long Wire has good propagation"...how many
little Long Wires do you have running around now??? what will you do with
them? Please do not send them to me, I have enough mouths to feed and things
to clean up after... your cousin Cornelious, and his hamsters are still li-
ving with us... he eats enough for 4 kids his age, (and his hamsters have
eaten all the chicken feed, too) and forget getting him into this "Ham" deal
you are into...I'm afraid he would turn into a cannibal or something
I was surprised to hear that your rubber duck got out... you know you have
had that thing since you were a baby and we never had that problem before.
We never even had to feed it...hope you get it returned to you. Some people
will steal anything!
And when you wrote that you had hit that other guy's repeater with 2 watts,
I was horrified!! I hope you didn't hurt it too badly. Can it be fixed?? I
wish you'd be less accurate. We are on a fixed income, you know, and don't
have the money to buy that guy a new repeater... what were you thinking??
Just be more careful in the future, ok??
You said that you were an Amateur, also an amateur at what may I ask? (Kids
today!) To correct you on this, Son, the word is "virgin". And you had bet-
ter be! Your father agrees with me on that one...
Well, I will sit back here and wonder till I receive your next message. I
can't imagine why you don't just speak English. you used to when you lived
here at home...In closing, I hope your shack doesn't burn down, like you
thought it would when you found that "short" hiding there...remember what I
taught you about being friendly and kind to the little people who are diffe-
rent than you...
with all my love, MOM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful woman, like an attractive man are favored for success. However,
if you are an executive in a traditional "man's world" job, you will have a
harder time than an unattractive woman in winning recognition. If convicted
of a crime, you are apt to get a light sentence if the crime was one in which
your good looks were irrelevant (e.g.burglary)...the judge may throw the book
at you if your good looks helped (e.g.fraud or a con game).
-
Million of dog owners are taking an important step toward helping to maintain
the health of their dogs. They are helping to prevent the spread of a mena-
cing parasite as they protect their dogs from heartworm disease. This poten-
tial killer poses a deadly risk to many of the 52 million dogs in the United
States. That's the bad news. The good news is that with a few steps recomen-
ded by your veterinarian, heartworm disease is easy to prevent.
While the existence of heartwork disease was identified as early as the 1600s
easy methods of prevention were not developed until recently.
-
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same
good things for the first time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIFE AFTER 40
How to know you're growing older
Everything hurts, and what dosen't hurt dosen't work
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals
You feel like the night before, and haven't been anywhere
Your little black book contains only names that end in "md"
You get winded playing chess
Your children begin to look middle aged
You join a health club, and don't go
You begin to out live enthusiam
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions
You look forward to a dull evening
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today"
You sit in a rocking chair, and can't get it going
Your knees buckle, and your belt won't
Your're 17 around the neck, and 42 around the waistv
You stop looking forward to your next birthday
Dialing long distance wears you out
Your back goes out more than you do
A fortune teller offers to read your face
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romatic ones
You remember today, that yesterday was your wedding anniversary
You startled the first time you are addressed as "old timer"
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 pm
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when a pretty girl walks by
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised
You got too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine cabinet
The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the son who wanted to follow in his father's footsteeps,
until he realized his dad was wearing work shoes instead of loafers.
-
Thanks to automatic teller machines, we no longer have to tell our children
that money doesn't grow on trees. They now think it comes out of a wall.
-
The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.
-
The best recipe for an after dinner sppech starts with a lot of shortening.
-
A lawyer was talking to his son about going to college...I assume you plan
to follow my profession and study law...he said.
Not really, Dad,...his son said...I've given the matter a lot of thought and
I think I would rather study medicine...Doctors are more important than
lawyers.
Doctors are more important than lawyers?...his father shouted...Where did
you get that ridiculous idea?
It's not so ridiculous...his son answered...Did you ever hear anyone at a
foot-ball game shout...Is there a lawyer here?
-
Bite your tonge and you'll never have to eat your words.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What'll you
have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods
and a blood light?"
-
A man, while in a public rest-room, read on the wall,"ONE NIGHT STAND, $20"
He called the number listed underneath and spoke to a very nice woman who was
selling bedroom furniture.
-
A bank manager saw a new employee diligently counting out $100 bills.
"You look like an industrious young man," he said. "Where did you receive
your business education?"
"Yale," the young man replied.
"Excellent," the manager said. "And what's your name?"
"Yim Yohnson."
-
How do you know when your bank is about to fail?
When it starts handing out calendars by the month.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guy that drank pinapple juice with nhis baked beans
because he liked hawaiian music.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many buffalo bill players does it takr to change a flat tire?
one, unless it's a blow out the whole team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunny.vv
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ink, n.:
A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Gifts for Men --
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to
level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
laughter, singing
Half a pound of tuppenny rice
Half a pound of treacle
That's the way the chimney smokes
Pope Goestheveezl
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some points to remember [about animals]:
1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants,
rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
front of your clothes;
3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or
dogs you have just kicked.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
rats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1. They all had moderate appetites.
2. They all came from middle class homes
3. All but two of them were dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Severe Strain on the Credulity
As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21) -- July 30, 1917
On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
stood lookout.
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
throwing up on them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's one of those mother's hectic days...Her small son, who had been playing
outside, came in with his pants torn...
You go right in, remove those pants, and start mending them yourself,
she ordered.
Sometime later, she went to see how he was getting along...The torn pants
were lying across a chair and the door to the cellar, usually closed, was
open. She called down the stairs loudly and sternly...
"Are you running around down there without pants on"
"No ma'am...was the deep-voiced reply....I'm just down here reading your gas
meter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father told his daughter...Your date brought you home very late last night.
Yes, she answered...Did the noise bother you?
It wasn't the noise...It was the silence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chester Riley...What a revoltin' development this is.
-
Knute Rockne...When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
-
Will Rogers...I never met a man I didn't like.
-
Red Ryder...Roll, Thunder, Roll.
-
Sam Spade...Period. End of report.
-
Little man in Bill Holman comic strip...Now Shmoz Kapop.
-
Mae West...Come up and see me sometime.
-
Mae West...Beulah, peel me a grape
-
Ella Wheeler Wilcox...Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you
weep alone.
-
An elderly couple was watching TV. The wife stood up and asked her hubby,
"I'm going to get a snack. Would you like anything?"
He said, "Yes. I'd like a bowl of vanilla ice cream, with chocolate
syrup. Now you write that down so you won't forget it!!"
"I won't forget!" she said and went into the kitchen.
She returned in a few minutes and handed her husband a platter of
bacon and eggs. He looked at it, and said,
"I told you to write it down! You forgot the toast!"
This message has been send by Alan WW6B @ KG6XX.#NOCAL.CA.USA.NA
--
Two syllables have been added to that venerable old native of the Ozark Moun-
tains in order to be correctly described in present vernacular. He/she/"it"
is now known as a Hilliary-Billy.
This message has been send by Ward @ KA5BML.AR
--
The lady working as a Sunday school teacher for four and five-years-olds, we-
re discussing how Jesus is always with us, even though we can't see him. One
little boy agreed...I know he is...he said...He's the one who opens the doors
at the supermarket.
-
Feudian Lip...I realized that my fiance might might be having some misgivings
about our upcoming wedding when he asked me in all seriousness...Do you think
Jim would agree to be one of my pallbearers?
-
A talented but conceited actor, once droned on to his dinner host, about a
play he was doing at the time,,,
Why, yesterday, boasted the actor, I had the audience glued to their seats
To which the host replied...How clever of you to think of it!
-
Minister to congregation...Learn to forgive your enemies. It will drive them
up the wall.
-
-
Over any given twenty-four-hour period, the fifty major hotels and gam-
bling casinos in the Las Vegas area use 1.5 million kilowatt hours of
electricity, enough to provide power for a city of some 35,000 inhabi-
tants. The poser used by these entertainment establishments simply to
light their marquees could supply the electricity for more than 1,000
homes.
-
For the first 2 billion years of its existense, the earth had no life on
it whatsoever.
-
The incas and certain other pre-columbian tribes in Peru developed the de-
cimal system, hundreds of years before it was used in Europe.
-
Albert Einstein called his brain his laboratory...In science's continuing
search for clues to genius, Einstein's brain is being picked apart,
gram by gram, and analyzed in a laboratory in Wichita, Kansas...Dr. Tho-
mas Harvey, former chief pathologist, Princeton University, is conducting
the study.
-
Twenty thousand plants are listed by the World Health Organization as
being used for tgherapeutic purposes.
-
This is a true story told to me by the lady's husband.
A lady was going from Australia to England and wanted to know what type of
plane she would be flying on, 747, 747-400 etc.
She walked up to a customer relations person and said "What is the plane".
Replied the CRP " A big iron bird with engines hanging under the wings and
little vertical wings on the ends." at which everyone just about collapsed
with laughter. It broke the ice though.
Sounds too good to be true doesn't it but I believe it.
-
'How many 3 1/2 cent stamps are there in a dozen'?
The answer is 12 stamps in a dozen.
-
unOfficial Rules of the Programmers Department
issued by: Chief Programmer (contract)
1 In the event of a Fire, all programming staff should
gather as much of the critical information as possible
Disks, Documents/Specifications, Progress Reports,
Time Sheets & Listings.
2 The Staff should form an orderly queue
3 The critical information (as per 1, above), should be
carefully placed at the source of the fire.
4 For large projects, material can be passed hand-to-hand
5 When completed, staff may then evacuate the area using the
nearest Fire Escape/s.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRIVIA...
-
Archewry target...White area....1 point
Black area....3 points
Blue area.....5 points
Red area......7 points
Gold area.....9 points (bullseye)
-
Annie Argentine...Nickname given to the Argentine female broadcaster who
called herself Liberty. In April of 1982, during the Falkland Island crisis,
she began broadcasting in a pleasant voice to the British fleet, giving the
men soccer scores in addition to psychological propaganda.
-
Argonia, Kansas, was the first municipality in the United States to elect a
female mayor when, on April 4, 1887, it elected Susanna Medora Satler. She
served for only one year.
-
The only diamond mine in North America is located in the State of Arkansas.
-
In Air conditioning BTU means British Thermal Unit.
-
The only person ever to have danced with Egyptian President Anwar Sadat at
a White House reception was Pearl Bailey.
-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One woman phoned the support line and said:-
"The foot pedal doesn't work "
after a long discussion, it came out that she was
referring to the mouse !.
-
The most common complaint to the Support desk of a major PC
manufacturer was recently states as:-
"Where do I find the ANY key ?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your
aim...George Santayana
-
Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you...Their
taste may not be the same...George Bernard Shaw
-
What is moral is what you feel good after...Ernest Hemingway
-
The purification of politics is an iridescent dream...John James Ingalls
-
Education is what you get from reading the small print...Experience is what
you get from not reading it...Carl Albert.
-
TRIVIA
-
4:30 Is the time on the Independence Hall clock, as depicted on the reverse si-
de of a one-hundred-dollar bill.
-
4 steps to manhood....Author Ernest Hemmingway one wrote that a man must do
four things in his life to demonstrate his manhood:
1.- Plant a tree
2.- Fight a bull
3.- Write a book
4.- Have a son
-
5 pounds....Weight of singers Hank Williams and Elvis Presley at the time of
their births.
-
There are 42 gallons in a barrel of oil
-
Location of the Four Corners in the United States where four states touch...
Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico.
-
The lowest paid attendace for a college football game, when, on November 12,
1955...How many? Only one person...Washington State and San Jose State played
a game im Pullman, Washington.
-
The length of the Olympic rowing course is 1 mile,427 yards.
-
TRIVIA
-
Inventor Thomas Edison introduced the word "Hello" as a greeting for people
when they answered the newly invented telephone...up to that time the expres-
sion that has been used was...Ahoy.
--
The only three words in the English Language that end with ceed are...exceed,
proceed, and succeed.
--
The only three words in the English Language that end in gry are, angry, hun-
gry and pugry.
--
The only two words in the English Language that have all the vowels in the
proper order are...abstemiously and faecetiously.
--
The shortest word in the English Language that contains the first six letters
of the alphabet is...Feedback.
--
HUMOR
HAM RADIO HISTORY
4 Billion BC - Earth is a swirling ball of flaming gases. Propagation
is extremely poor.
1 Billion BC - First dry land appears. It is divided up into squares.
County Hunters Club formed.
500 Million BC - Second patch of dry land appears. First DXpedition.
Credit disallowed because of questionable licensing agreement.
400 Million BC - Flowering plants and grasses evolve. Telrex invents
first beam antenna but sales area slow because of lack of suitable
structures.
300 Million BC - First tree appears. It is immediately cut down,
stripped of branches, placed in a concrete base and named a telephone
pole. Telrex sells first beam.
200 Million BC - Second beam sold by Telrex. Installer falls from top
of pole. First safety belt sold.
100 Million BC - First mountain appears. Repeater invented.
50 Million BC - It is decided by WARC that "seek you" is too cumbersome
to send on CW, so abbreviation "CQ" is adopted.
4 Million BC - Humans replace swine as dominant species. The name "Ham
Operator" hangs on, however.
3 Million BC - Dugout canoe invented. Maritime Mobile Net formed on
14.313 mHz.
2 Million BC to 800 AD - Nothing much happens for a long time.
900 AD - Chinese invent gunpowder. BY1AA is first "Big Gun" DXer.
1790 AD - Ben Franklin invents long wire receiving antenna. Ground
switch invented.
1961 AD - Second repeater erected. First repeater group refuses to
change frequency. First frequency coordinator appointed.
1990 AD - Amateur radio humor sinks to a new low.
-
THE PALACE OF VERSAILLES
The palace of Versailles cost 5 million livres out of o total state budget
of 120 million livres during the fist year of its construction, in the late
seventeenth century. The cost then went up to 15 million and then to 25
million livres a year.
In 1682, 22,000 workers were laboring on it...the next year, there were
36,000.
In 230 acres of gardens, 1,400 fountains were installed, and 25,000 full-
grown trees were transplanted in one year so that Louis XIV would not have
to wait for saplings to grow.
The waters of the Seine were raised to supply the waterworks, consisting of
fourteen hydraulic wheels and 223 pumps.
-
It took only 13 months to build the Empire State Building in the City of New
York. This building has 102 stories. It was a depression project
-
One queen of England never lived there or even visited there. She was Berenga-
ria, who married Richard I, the Lion-Hearted, in 1191.
-
-
A beautiful lady have four large dogs and make a special trip to the supermar-
ket once a month to buy food for them. One day she filled the cart with tue
usual items...a 25 pound bag of chow, cans of beef, chicken and turkey dinners,
and assorted boxes of biscuits and sausage treats. Finished, I headed for the
checkout line...
A man standing there stared at her purchases and then gave her an amused look..
Are you having company tonight?...he asked.
-
The wife leaves notes to herself scattered throughout the house...For several
days, wherever the husband turned, he saw a piece of paper with the words...
Don't Forger...Shake 'n' Ache...
Curiosity got the better of the husband so he asked....What do you mean by
shake and ache?
It's a remainder to go to my aerobics class...she replied...
-
The couple found a charming bed-and-breakfast place nestled in the White Moun-
tains of New Hampshire...Though enchanted, the husband had some questions about
the accommodataions...Does the room have its own bath? He asked...
The propietor's answer was terse and to the point....If no one else comes, it
does.
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A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.
Frank A. Clark.
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Imagination is the true magic carpet
Norman Vincent Peale
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By inflection you can say mukch more than your words do.
Malcon S. Forbes
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Keep your fears to yourself...but share your courage.
Robert Louis Stevenson
-
To err is human...and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Enrique Compain
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We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily
into the trap of being our worst enemies.
Roderick Thorp
-
Kindness can become its own motive...We are made kind of being kind.
Luis Corominas.
-
From a story in a newspaper...A skunk was found wandering among the phews of
one of the town's churches.
-
Announcement in a newspaper...World for an Overeaters Anonymous meeting...
Newciners are wekcine...There are no feed or dues.
-
Caption in a newspaper...Our community has been hit hard by the depressed
steel economy, leaving the town with fewer residents and a swindling tax base.
-
When Linda passed the beauty parlor, she noticed this saying above the en-
trance...Some of the most beautiful women have walked through these doors...
Directly below was this sign..."PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR".
-
Description of an automobile accident from a police officer's report...Two
cars were approaching an intersection...Car A, a yellow-light accelerator,
introduced itself to a green-light anticipator.
-
Once when one of the children was out sick, the day's assignment was to write
him a get-well letter...The teacher wrote...Dear Jeff...I hope you will get
beter soon, and if you donte I will always reemder you.
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Francois Mitterand and Bill Clinton together in a airplane....
Francois: " Hey Bill, we are flying over San Fransisco "
Bill : " How the h.. do you know that? "
Francois: " I can feel the top of the Golden Gate Bridge "
Bill : " Yep "
Bill, several houres later: " Francois, we are flying over London "
Francois: " You're sure Bill? "
Bill : " Yes, I can feel the top of the Big Ben "
Bill, again after 30 minutes: " Francois, now we are flying over Paris. "
Francois: " Is that a fact? How do you know. Bill? "
Bill : " Somebody took my watch. "
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HUMOR
On the 12th day of my diet, my true love gave to me:
12 drumsticks - crispy
11 pies hot-piping
10 Lorna Doones
9 Lady Fingers
8 Ways-a-Milky
7 Swanson dinners
6 cakes a-layered
5 fried onion rings
4 Almond Joys
3 French pastries
2 Turtles - caramel and a chocolate sundae with a cherry.
On the 13th day of my diet, my true love gave to me breakfast, lunch and
supper...
written by: Bob, WN4IIV & Helen, KA4DCA Tallahassee, FL
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The Alma Mata of St Trinians.
Maidens of St Trinians, gird your armour on.
Grab the nearest weapon, never mind which one.
The battle's to the strongest, might is always right.
Trample on the weakest, glory in their plight.
St Trinians! St Trinians! Our battle cry.
St Trinians! St Trinians! will never die.
Stride towards your fortune, boldly on your way.
Never once forgetting, there's one born every day.
Let our motto be broadcast, "Get your blow in first"
She who draws the sword last always come off worst.
From the film
"Blue Murder at St Trinians" made in 1958 at Shepparton Studios England.
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AnswerMan