Play Date Etiquette; Need Insight?

Question

Son is 10 years old. Neighbor has son same age. They go to the same school and the families have vacationed together over the years. The boys don't have much in common but still play together at school and at home (not always but a few times a month).

Neighbor's boy's best friend dumped him so he hooks up with my son's friends. (But it's not like my son is best friends with these boys; they play at lunch and recess and then go their merry way.)

One day, boy next door plans play date with their mutual friends and excludes my son. My son, hearing them in the yard, asks if he can come over. The boy tells him "no." Son's feelings are hurt, pissed off parents, etc. (No problem if the boys invited don't play with my son regularly but they are his friends as well.)

Neighbors' view is that their son can invite whomever to his playdate. Ours is that it was mean to deliberately exclude son knowing that the group of boys all regularly play together. We are at an impasse and would like some mature, insightful, feedback.

Answer 1

Yes, it's the son's decision whom to invite, but it's the parents' responsibility to guide their child in how to make thoughtful and compassionate choices. Kids by nature are selfish little buggers, and the parents (hopefully) try to create decent human beings out of them. They should have been asking him why he excluded one friend and to consider how he would feel if the same were done to him.



Rather than lowering oneself to play childish games of tit-for-tat by obviously excluding them next time, lead by example. Teach your own child about how to treat others, maintain friendships, and not hold petty grudges (and comfort himself when things don't go his way).

Answer 2

Sorry, but the neighbor didn't have an obligation to include your son.



Your son needs to learn that other people get together, and he needs to accept that.



Do you want to teach him that everyone he knows always has to invite him to everything thing? To demand of others that he be included?



Yes, it hurt his feelings, but learning how to get over hurt feelings is an essential life skill. You can't prevent his ever experiencing hurt feelings during his life.



Although it would have been nice of the neighbor i\to include him or say yes, he DID have the right to invite whoever he wanted, and had no obligation to invite anyone else.



You need to not involve yourself, except to console him, and then distract him.

Answer 3

I'm with you on that one. If it wasn't for your son, they wouldn't have even known about the other boys. That was very rude on their part. Next time that your son has a play date (party, get-together, etc.) at home, make sure that he purposely excludes the neighbor's kid and see how he likes it. When they realize how much their son was hurt for not being included, they should see your point for getting upset.



Good luck!