How do I politely tell certain people not to lecture me?

Question

I don't usually mind constructive criticism, particularly when it comes from a teacher, parent, boss, or any kind of authority figure.

However, whenever one of my friends feels the need to lecture me, particularly when I haven't asked for their advice, it really, really bothers me. For example, my family is a bit quirky. And we have our own way of doing certain things. Every so often, one of my friends will catch wind of some bizarre quirk and lecture me about how wrong it is. For example, my family members borrow money from each other all the time. We don't let each other pay each other back, either. We just give each other money if someone needs it. I admit that's probably weird, but it's just how we do things. My best friend today started lecturing me about how wrong it is my family does this and that we're all taking advantage of each other. Before I could stop myself, I snapped at her to mind her own business (which I shouldn't have done - she just struck a nerve). She responded that she was" just looking out for me." I still thought her comments were really unnecessary.

This is just one example. People always feel the need to lecture me about things that aren't their business or things they don't know about, and I don't know how to tell them to stop without being rude. Does anyone have any advice on how I can *tactfully* stop others from lecturing me unnecessarily? Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

This isn't really lecturing. Instead, it's about people who assume THEY know more than YOU do about how to manage your life. The bad news is you can't change them. Trust me on this! I have a sister who is the same way, and I tried once explaining why it doesn't come off right. She took it really well, and then continued telling me what to do.



The problem is that these people really do believe they're "looking out for you". What they don't realize is that it's insulting for them to assume you can't do this on your own.



You kind of have to manage this on an individual basis. If you have a good friend and this is her only negative, just ignore it or ride it out. I've used humor a lot of times to diffuse it. For others, just stop sharing. There are plenty of people out there who have better social skills and know not to do this, because nobody likes being on the receiving end of this.

Answer 2

Yes, it's an annoying habit but it's also a widespread habit. Just keep in mind that the lecturer may SAY "I'm doing this for you" but deep down the lecturer is also "thinking out loud" and getting his or her own ideas in order on some topic that is disturbing to him/her. Be a good friend and lend an ear to lectures of a reasonable length. (If you need to end the lecture, say something about how LONG the speaker has been speaking rather than the propriety of lecturing you.)



When the lecture is over, be mild in your response. "You've made some good points. I'll think this over." Or "Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think something else, but we'll not to argue over this."



Instead of expecting those around you to change, you distance and detach yourself from the annoying behavior. Just be patient and kind and let them run down on their own. They aren't doing you any harm and they are doing a mental exercise that is helpful to THEM, so just let it happen. Don't start taking things personally and letting the lecture trigger your own self destructive urges like losing your temper or harboring resentment.



If the lecturer is the kind of person who would benefit from being told "What you're doing is lecturing me and it's not appropriate" then the lecturer is also the kind of person who is going to figure this out on their own or already knows. It's a habit, not a deliberate choice.



If the lecturer is NOT the sort to understand on his/her own that lecturing others is an annoying habit, then telling them so isn't going to do anything to get them stop and will just create hostility. So find some excuse to put an end to unbearable lectures that doesn't involve "no lectures please."



We all miss being able to say "I hear my mother calling me. Bye."

Answer 3

It is up to you to put your foot down and let people know when they are out of line. The only thing you might have done wrong with your friend is say it harsher than you might have intended. But you reacted that way because the pressure was building up in you for so long because you have just kept taking these lectures and done nothing.



It is time to assert your self in a calm and reasonable manner. Let people know ehen they are going to far. Tell them when they should stop mentioning something because they are being offensive. Don't yell, but be direct, be clear and be firm. You might have to cut people off in there conversation. It might involve walking away from people. And it might even escalate to an argument.



You be in control.



With the way your family handles money - just say that is the way we do things and it works well for us. We don't tell your family how to handle money - please don't do it to ours!

Answer 4

I can't imagine why this happens, and can only think that you are telling them things in a way that appears to be asking for advice. Your family's "weird quirk" about money is not so unusual. If you talk about your family's affairs as if they are problems, you are likely to get "helpful suggestions" from others.

Answer 5

Print a sign that reads "Lecture me." It is reverse psychology. It works.

Answer 6

Just say to her that you understand she is only looking out for you, but it upsets you that she talks about your family in this way and would appreciate it if she didn't do it in future.

Answer 7

One suggestion is to stop sharing things with the people who lecture you. You can always say, "thank you for your concern, but I respectfully decline your advice."