Please read. I Need advice on funeral donation and presentation etiquette. Warning, this is a very long post. ?

Question

I’m usually pretty proficient when it comes to the spelling of and grammatical structure of the English language, but I am a bit distraught at this time, so please bare with me during this. Hopefully in the end it will all make sense.

A little bit of background leading up to my question, so that those who take the time to read this post may fully understand both my intentions and what I need clarification on. Also, please don't comment on the length or detail of the post in a negative way. For me writing out my emotions is just as effective as voicing them out for others. This is part of my personal therapy and grieving process

This past Saturday (20-Dec-2008), I received by far the worst phone call of my life. I received word that my best friend, who I will refer to simply as ‘A’, a young woman of 23, had passed away sometime either the Friday night before, or early that Saturday morning. The call came from her mother, and what was said was short, precise, yet extremely devestating: "'A' always said you were a very close friend, and that you mean the world to her, so I feel you should know that she died this morning". And that was it. How does one respond to that? I had only known the girl for 2 ½ years, but she was by far the most important and the most influential person in my life, bar none. She was one of those whom anyone should feel blessed to have had the privilege of crossing paths with her in their life. She was that amazing of a person. Through me and others, her memory will hopefully continue to be as amazing as she was.

For those that have unfortunately been in the same situation, you may understand what I am currently going through. For those who have not, words cannot describe how devastated I and everyone else who was close to ‘A’ are at this time.

‘A’, who had been a lifelong resident of Southern California (where I grew up and where we met), was planning on moving to Northern Virginia, where I currently reside, to stay with me for an indefinite period of time. The ultimate goal was to save up enough money to where she could finally be out on her own and be fully independent for the first time in her life. She was due to arrive on Jan 11, 2009.

When we first spoke about this, we came to the decision that she could live with me at absolutely no cost while she worked and saved money to get out on her own. Secretly, I decided I would present her with a gift on the day she got out on her own. The day I made that decision, I set aside $2000 as that gift. Although it’s only money, to a person who is attempting to make it out on their own for the first time, this can and would be extremely beneficial in a multitude of ways.

Now, after that mini novel, here is the main part of the post. I still have this money set aside, and was planning on donating it to her surviving family (Mother, Step-Father, Step-sister) to help pay for the memorial services and the final preparation of her remains, which will be cremation and the subsequent spreading of her ashes around various parts of Southern California in which she held dear to herself. Her mother, although a very sweet woman, and as incredible of a person as ‘A’ was, is not the type to except charity under any circumstances. Simply due to my relationship and closeness to ‘A’ and her family, I know that they are not in the best of financial situations, as is the case with a lot of families in this day and age. Given the recent tragedy, I know things can and will only get worse on them, both emotionally and financially.

My question is how can I go about getting this money to her family? Her mother has already steadfastly said that they do not need any help, but deep down inside I know they do. They will not have a ‘donation bucket’ at the memorial, or anything of the sorts. But I personally cannot keep this money, nor spend it in any way, shape, or form. As it will only serve as a reminder to ‘A’s passing.

I personally would find it hard to approach any member of her family and explain the contents of the envelope. I am simply not that strong of a person. I would personally see it as disrespectful if I were to have someone else deliver it for me, and I would fear it would be overlooked or possibly taken (you never know with people these days) if I were to leave it lying around at their house, which is where the memorial is to take place. Is there any proper way to go about this? Has anyone out there reading this post gone through this particular dilemma?

My second question is, and this might be a bit tougher than the previous, I want to enclose in the envelope a note of some sorts. I do not know how to start, or what to even include. I know they will have a tough time accepting the contents of the envelope, but I want to explain why I feel I need to give it to them. Before Saturday, I felt that this money had a sole purpose, which was to help ‘A’ begin the single-most important and testing journey in her young life. After he

Answer 1

You have my deepest sympathies. A sounds like a remarkable young woman. And you needn't underrate what you felt and still do feel for A. She was in your life for 2 1/2 years--no small amount of time, especially for one so young.



Families are often given money to defray the cost of the funeral. As I see it, you can do one of two things if you're intent on giving it to the family: you can either mail it as a check to the home of the family, saying, simply, "This was to help A in her move to Virginia, and now I'd like you to have it." Or you can send an anonymous cashier's check or money order to the home. In that, you can say, "A was a very dear friend of mine, and I am giving this to you to use for any purpose you see fit--to defray any costs or to give to her favorite charity." Either way, anonymity is the way to go here.



Or, you can go with your second thought, which was to give the money to A's favorite charity. If you can, think of which she valued most, and give it to that one. If not, divide up the money evenly among all the charities she supported. If you want her family to know this, you can include your name and address with the donation, and the donor's information (your own) will be sent to the family. You can send a personal note of sympathy to the family in a separate letter.



As for what you choose to write to them, that's, unfortunately, a very personal decision. If I were to recommend something, it would read like this: There are no words that will console you in this time of grief, but please know that you are in my heart. A was such a loving and wonderful person. Her life is a tribute to you, her family. She will never be forgotten by me or by the many people who loved her.



Again, to you, Matt G, my deepest sympathies. If I may presume to suggest it, please consider keeping some of the money to use for counseling. Though you might not feel the need for it now, you very well might in the future--some time when you aren't expecting it. I do hope and believe you will find healing.

Answer 2

Send it in the form of a money order, specify it was money allotted for her and now it is your wish to provide it for any funeral expenses her mother will incur, period. You do not need to go into a long ramble to explain,l just a few sentences, and it is done. Problem solved. You do NOT need to pour out all your emotions and grief to her family, it is not appropriate they would be better not having all your grief to deal with as well as their own, a simple "I'm so sorry, how remarkable she was, etc" will suffice. A "simple sorry" WILL have to cut it as you need to put THEIR needs ahead of your own. You knew her for two years she is their family member, so you can pour out your heart to a priest or a friend, but not to the family, do not burden them with all this right now.

If you go with your feelings and try to explain all this to them, you will be adding to their pain not helping assuage it.

If you truly cared for this girl, you will NOT impose all your feelings and emotions onto her family at this time. And telling them they will "never again hear the voice of their daughter" you will be incredibly thoughtless, save your pain for another day and other outlets, do NOT force your words onto her family at this time.

Control yourself and put THEM FIRST.

Answer 3

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