A Southern 'thang'?

Question

He's mid 40's, divorced with 2 kids, the youngest, male, 18 y/o still living with him and senior in HS.
She's mid 40's, divorced w/ 2 kids, the youngest, male, 22, still living at home.
They are about to begin a relationship.
The (minor) disagreement is how should his southern raised son address the her?
He insists his son address all adults with 'Sir', 'M'am', Mr or Miss.
In the rural North (where they all now live) the formal salutations have sadly disappeared (if they ever really existed). Even high school students address many of their teachers by first name. (I'm talking very rural-high school graduating class size locally is about 30 students).
After several lengthy discussions she would be pleased and honored being addressed as 'Ms 'first name' by his 18 y/o son.
He wishes her 22 y/o son to address him simply by his first name.
Yet he feels any use of her first name by his son is disrespectful and wants his son to use 'Miss 'last name'.

Please give opinions...

Answer 1

The main problem here seems to be that only part of tradition seems to be maintained.

The issue of how to address eachother esp. among family and friends certainly is no matter of sole decision of single members.

As it concerns the family there should be a family gathering and unity among the members with an open word from the head of the family.

So if the "master" of the household is charismatic he has to be addressed with "Sir" by everyone and only he can allow evrybody to call him and his wife by the first name - having his wife addressed the formal way while he is called by his first name would seemingly put her in lead of the household which breaks the tradition - so thats a no go!

Answer 2

As someone who was born in the North and raised partially in the South, I understand your concern.



Your children are (at least chronologically) adults and are considered equals. If your lady friend doesn't mind being addressed as Ms. "First Name," then you must accept and respect that. It isn't considered disrespectful; it is actually the opposite (that's why she's pleased and honored).



In the North, using salutations such a "Sir, Ma'am, etc.," is awkward for the natives and can be perceived as being fawning or insincere.



Yes, I know... . You'll have to get used to it. (When I moved back North after serving in the military where such salutations are the norm, I had to train myself not to speak in this manner as it did set me up for much ridicule (and in one case, I'm sure I ruined a job interview doing this.)



Good luck in your new relationship, sir! ;-)

Answer 3

Wow - this is the most important thing you have to work out in this relationship? I see nothing wrong with "Yes m'am" and "no, m'am" (as a matter of fact, my children were raised on it). And even I have trouble calling someone older by their first name, unless specifically asked.



However, if her son can call him "John", then his son should be able to call her "Jane". Everyone except him is comfortable with that -- he needs to get over it. Respect is not in the title -- respect is in the way he treats her.

Answer 4

The rule is to address others in the manner they request.



I've lived in both the northern and southern States. The goal of the tradition is to show respect. What the older man in this scenario fails to recognize or accept is that most women in the northern States feel the title "ma'am is one that signifies advanced years. ie northern women do not want to be associated with the title. (The northerners get this idea because ma'am is short for mademoiselle. The french use this term to indicate a married woman, which in turn means she is to be treated differently than an unmarried woman. In the northern States, a woman is a woman is a woman -- regardless of her age or her marital state. She likes to think of herself as a maiden!)



Since the older man and his son are living in the north, the polite thing to do is to accept the cultural norm where they live. Furthermore, it is even more important to learn to respect the wishes of others in these matters.



If the older man simply refuses to accept this, then he is showing signs of having control issues. Personally, I would not date him if this is the case, since his own rules are more important to him than the well-being and comfort of others.



The purpose of etiquette is to treat people with respect, not carry on tradition.

Answer 5

I'm a southerner in my 40s. I call old people Ma'am & Sir, and I expect children and employees to call me Ma'am. It's good enough for the military and it's good enough for me.

When I was growing up, calling an older woman Miss Julie or something was generally a lower-class thing. Our parents' friends were Aunt Julie or Mrs. Smith; Uncle John or Mr. Smith. Teachers were Mizziz Smith. Today, all the young people call me Miss Julie & I'm OK with that; they call their teachers Ms. Julie.

If she becomes a stepmother, it will be better if his children have learned to call her Miss Julie than Mrs. Smith. Because she won't be Mrs. Smith anymore.

Answer 6

I'm from Florida and I'm from an old-fashioned family. You do NOT address elders or persons of respect by their first name. It is "Mrs. Last Name" or "Miss Last Name".



If so-and-so insists you used her first name, it would be polite to oblige her by simply calling her "Mrs. or Miss First Name".



However, I've been in work situations where the adult truly despised this addressing (Northerners), so I complied and used only their first names as they wished.



I agree, it's disrespectful to assume calling an adult by their first name. However, if the adult insists on being treated as an equal, so be it. She shouldn't be offended when the man's kids start treating her with disrespect.



And I don't get where the man wants HER kid to address him informally, but wants HIS kids to treat her formally. Weird.

Answer 7

Of course he does, he's southern. Speaking respectfully to women should be encouraged at all costs. If it makes a difference, I'm 40's and southern female and Miss "first name " works for me. Respectful and familiar at the same time. Just in case you were wondering no one I know says THANG.

Answer 8

Whatever works for your family, and makes everyone the most comfortable is what you should do. Little things like how the choose to address each other should not be the center of attention. The transition to them becoming a new family is what is most important.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

I think you people would be wiser to worry about whether you all can get along together with all them younguns rather than how your children will address you. If a man had his children address me as "Miz so and so" I be a bit worried that he really wasn't to keen on the relationship lasting to long. In this day and age first names are fine, especially when the children are young adults.



Let's get with the times people.

Answer 11

I'm from the south and that's the "thang" we do. I'm a married 23 and I still address older women as Miss (Miz, lol) First name, if I'm familiar with them, as obviously this teen should be with that woman. If I'm not familiar with them, I call them Miss Last name.



For men, I rarely address them by their first name. Unless I know them very well (like a family friend). Then I just call them by their first name. Not Mr. First name. That sounds stupid to me, lol.



If I don't know him very well it's always Mr. Last Name.



It's not disrespectful for a person to use a first name, especially if it was a Miss in front of it. That's considered to be good manners and respectful. It shows that even though you're familiar enough with this person to call them by their first name, you respect them enough to give them a title.

Answer 12

tell her to get over it...



common respect mr, mrs, miss, sir or m'am



sir or m'am preferred...



common courtesy...



she needs to tell her son to just do it, these are the rules in this house as long as you live here...



this is the way it WILL BE!!!

Answer 13

it's going to be his step mother, you don't call your step mother miss last name, what the hell?

Answer 14

Just say this is you...make it less confusing.



Speak northern...that's where you live.